Excavating through Excrement

Searching for meaning, searching for worth, I am directed inward. I excavate through layers of resentment, guilt, sadness and shame to find that my identity in none of these emotions but a beautiful spirit that waits just beneath. Buried beneath tiers of buried tears, I am discovering the unique facets of my spiritual being. Quietly she has waited for the rage of the ego to subsibe; for her voice is gentle and not easily heard over the rant. -Rita Lloyd

I came across this while I was surfing absent mindedly for interesting images. I love the color purple and so it caught my eye. As I read over the prose underneath, I was pulled in by the similarities of her experience and mine. What happened with the church two years ago has had a horrible impact on my life. It has caused me to question most facets of life a good many of us take for granted. Among these are the following: Christians are good, pastors are caring, patient and understanding persons, The Church is representative of God and Christ Jesus, the Bible's importance...period, how much did I do wrong, how much harm might I have caused if left unchecked...and the list goes on. Layers of anger, resentment, guilt, pain, callousedness, apathy, dissapointment and frustration have either been cast upon me or have been built up as a defense against the emotions that would destroy my life.

Though I am decidedly no longer the person I once was, (innocense lost) I occasionally have moments where I glimpse a beautiful spirit within me that wants to emerge. But there is still more to excavate. That, I hope, will be helped along with the resurrection of this blog. I havent' written in over 4 months so I doubt if anyone comes around anymore. I don't check for lurkers either. This blog is for me: a written record of what I am thinking and going through. Comment if you like, stay silent if you'd rather. But please be warned, don't expect me to see the good side of churches - any of them - right now. As for as I am concerned they are filled with self-rightous people that are driven by ego and a thirst for power in their circles.

I don't have much time either or energy. I work 14 - 16 hours a day and collapse at the end of the day. But we are surviving - a possibility I wasn't too sure of two years ago. For those of you who have come by just checking, I thank you for your kindness and hope.

Power Struggles

I'm just posting today to try to think out loud. It usually helps me sort through things. Last week, we hit on power struggles within the church and the good Dr. suggested we think about this and work with this next week. Perhaps something I said struck a nerve that she needed to get at...or we were just out of time and she was looking for a good place to wrap up the discussion. I don't know but I have been thinking about it and have seen almost every group or church dominated by power struggles to maintain effective, efficient and proper functioning.

As a former business student and lifetime disciple of business administration, I understand the necessities of adequate leadership and control systems in place to ensure the church/organization doesn't come crashing down. But I can list on one hand the Church organizations, congregations, committees, groups and even Sunday school classes that have not been a soap box for power hungry people to stand on and set things straight for the church, community and the world. What's wrong with that you say, didn't Christ do the same, and the disciples? Yes they did; and folks who lake positions of leadership for the good of the world (or their small corner of it) have my admiration. It will cost them if they are really in it for that purpose.

The cost is emotional, financial and physical. They will expend large amounts of their on time, effort, money and even faith to make change. True change is not just made by "taking a stance" for a position; but also by sitting down and istening to others one does not agree with and listening. To ponder an opponents thoughts for credibility is where true change comes from. To listen and respond respectfully, no matter how much one disagrees with the other, is where true change begins. For that is when one is placed in an intimate postion of trust with one's opponent of debate. That is where I take issue with many of today's leaders. Take a look in the Bible, and you will see Christ Jesus doing exactly that, and telling his followers to do the same.

Unfortunately it has been my experience, from both sides of the pulpit, took see leaders of all sorts and all walks of life gather people of like minds to take postions and not deviate from them in the least. No thougts are allowed that counter or even question these positions. Orthodoxy is the main reason given, and tradition. But when you strip all the variants away, it all comes down to fear. People are afraid of having their faith exposed. I feel for them, for they are motivated by fear and not faith. More later...

To Preach or not to preach, that is the question.

I am faced with a dilima and the title of this entry says it all. Well almost, let me finish Shakespear's quote: "whether tis nobler to withstand the slings and arrows of outragious fortune... Now that says it all. I am a liberal minded theologian. Yet, where I will be sent to pastor should I go back into the pulpit will be very conservative. I know that and also know that my messages will not be received. For example, the picture shown here is one of many I found when I googled word of God. It is the Bible. I do not believe the word of God is the Bible, but can be found within the Bible. It can also be found in lecture, in nature, in meditation,etc. The word of God is not a static print to guide our lives with, but a dynamic force that moves with us. It is not an "anchor that holds against the gale" to quote a hymn. Rather, it is a companion that walks with us in all times, helping us to know and respond to the mind of God.

The Bible, as the word of God, puts God in a box. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God and the Word was God." The Word is the understanding of God's mind, made flesh in Jesus the Christ. And as everyone remembers from the youngest of Sunday School classes, Jesus had Scripture thrown in his face to correct his actions. Scripture was wielded against the Word of God. If I preach that in a small town anywhere, I will be thrown out for heresy. This is but one example. What would you do?

Speechless

My psychologist asked me today what Christmas meant to me. I started with it used to mean family and a hmecoming when everyone gets together. After becoming a pastor, though, it changed to a more spiritual meaning. Visions of, well, not sugarplums, but incarnation and peace and joy danced in my head. "And," she said, "How about now?" I tried to voice a few ideas and then gave up. Nothing really worked. "I don't know." I couldn't believe I was hearing me voice those words. I am still in survivor mode. I am financially, vocationally, emotionally and spiritually flat. It wasn't a good session.

Lost...for a while.

I din't finish the last story. Sorry if you had read it and were waiting. I may not finish it. It was to be the beginning of a book. There was a time when writing was a passion with me. Now I'm not sure. I don't seem to get the fulfillment out of it that I once did. I watch Kim at work on her projects and see the engagement she has with her work and I see fascination at work. Yes, she is working on projects for school, but I've also seen her with the same look when just doodling or designing at the computer.

I don't know that I've ever had that when I write. Something that propells me when there's no grade or deadline or people waiting. Just writing for writing's sake...maybe it's something else. We had pillow talk this morning (we don't have that much because of our conflicting schedules) and we were discussing the future. Stay here because of free land and Kim's job and the school- or move because of all the rumors that have been put out about me. Somewhere in the discussion she made mention that I constantly looked for comments, everyday more than once a day at times. Whoa, I never thought of that! And things began to turn in my head. Was that the start of my depression?

I was in a posistion of authority and respect (pastor) and poured my heart and soul into every sermon, prayer and hymn selection. And no one seemed to notice. Oh, I had a couple of individuals who noticed. But for the most part, it was like preaching to a herd of sheep. I swear, sometimes I could hear bleating over the mumbling of the lyrics or the snores. Yes, I'm exaggerating, but you get the idea. I gave my all to those who seemed to dismiss me because I haven't been in there shoes; or worse, not care at all. And yes, I do believe that last part. There are people more filled with evil than good in the pews every day. What it seemed to shake down to is I cared so much and no one seemed to share my passion.

My question is this: a true passion would have continued with no one else, wouldn't it? Or was I an attention hog? Or worse, was I becoming an attention whore...willing to do anything to get a response? I don't know this and consciously, I thought I was trying to just get people to rethink their faith to make it stronger. That's what we were taught in class. Did I let my subconscious desires go unchecked and get in the way of my ministry?

No I don't expect any responses to this from my friends out there. I haven't posted in a month and don't know when I will again. I'm just thinking out loud here. I see my counselor today and I'll bring this up with her. I have also enlisted the help of a pastor who doesn't know me for faith/call issues. I'll bring this up also. Thanks Miss Jazzi for maybe getting me on the right track without even knowing it. (Or maybe you did and you're just that smart!)

sorry about the lack of posting...been busy...32 hours in two days...work sucks!!!

Oops, not tonight dear!

Can't start the story tonight, I'm feeling a little nauseous and am afraid of what may come up if I stay at the computer too long.